I’ve admittedly been the “bad friend” as much as I’ve dismissed past friendships that died because I thought “she’s just a bad friend”. On the other hand, I’ve also retained some really great friendships over time, and one thing I’ve noticed about the friends I’ve held onto for 15+ years is that we all expect good friendship from each other.

Why do our expectations even matter?

The narrative we tell ourselves about our past important friendships sets the stage for what we expect in our future friendships.

If we’ve experienced hurt — honestly, who hasn’t? — and we dwell on the negativity, leaving it unprocessed, then we’re sure to attract friendships that will fit the mold of what we’re focused on and expecting.

Have you heard people say:

• “I’m always the giver in my relationships.”
• “My opinions often get railroaded.”
• “I’m tired of being everything to everyone.”

If that’s you — you’re in luck! We’re going to start with rewriting the narrative you tell yourself about relationships, create a new mold, and then send you back out into the world to rework relationships. It’s a long process, though, so buckle up! This is only the first step.

These are the good & bad alternatives to saying: “She’s Just A Bad Friend”.

BAD EXPLANATION #1: “I’m focused on better things than her.”

Anytime “than” is used, YOU are being a bad friend. Try not to compare and alientate a friend. There is definitely a possibility that your friendship ebbs apart and flows back together, but if you burn a bridge instead of just growing separately for a time, then you surely WILL NOT flow back together.

GOOD EXPLANATION:
Maybe your energy is different.

Last year was a time when relationships as a whole either grew together or grew distant. It was a year when each of our energies changed. Some people focused on things that I wasn’t interested, and I felt distant from them. Other people — my Bible study group, for example — were focused on other things, and I felt very close to them. That’s not a judgement on the former or latter, but it’s important to note who gives you good energy. Who do you spend time with and leave feeling good about yourself, life, and the future?

Your friends are going through things you’re not, and you’re going through things they’re not. Those obstacles and circumstances will cause your energy to shift, and for a time it may be helpful to recognize who has similar energy as you.

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BAD EXPLANATION #2: “What if we were never really friends at all.”

This idea is dangerous, because you start to question every little memory you’ve shared with her. And what you look for, you’re sure to find. I f you’re looking for ways your friend has been a good one, you’ll find it. If you’re looking to pick apart the good stuff, you’ll find reason to justify that line of thinking. Unless your friend was abusive, it’s not helpful to tear apart all past experiences.

GOOD EXPLANATION:
Maybe your friendship was seasonal.

The better way of thinking about it is to say that the friendship was based on a season when you both connected — perhaps because of location, workplace, church, community group, etc. But now, one of you no longer wants to be part of that group, and the other does. In which case, it might just be helpful to make new friends in the new circles you’re in.

If you really game it out, it’s a good thing that you had the friends you did in the season you were in, because the alternative is being perpetually lonely. We can kick out the voice of doubt and fear by remembering a grateful mindset. As a bonus, any new friends you make will be happy to hear you speak of past friendships in a kind light.

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BAD EXPLANATION #3: “She hasn’t evolved, and I have.”

The reason this one is bad is because we’re all evolving, and that explanation lacks grace for the ebbs & flows of life. Unless your friend still plays with Barbie dolls, she’s evolved — maybe not at the rate you’d like her to, or maybe her evolution didn’t land her in the same field of interest as you, but the fact of the matter is that both of you will evolve throughout your lifetimes.

This one is so common amongst grade school friendships, because you’re basically just friends with the girl who sits next to you in class or who plays on your sports team or lives down the street.

It doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good friendship while it was strong, but it does mean that you hadn’t yet chosen your interests, values, and priorities.

GOOD EXPLANATION:
Maybe your priorities shifted.

It’s a good thing you can find & cultivate friendships amongst people with similar interests and values, and you aren’t married to that interest and every person you connect with about it. It’s good that our relationships can wax and wane, grow and evolve, and we can find people with as specialized interests as us. Social media has forged connections that wouldn’t have been possible even just 20 years ago. Are you utilizing the accessibility to people to create good conversation and possibly even friendships?

If you’re reevaluating the friendships of your youth wondering, “Why don’t we have the same interests, priorities, and values anymore?”, I encourage you to leave the door open for when you can reconnect based on shared interests, life stages, &/or available time.

I recently reconnected with a friend who moved away years ago. We were experiencing different BIG life changes — she was having babies while I was settling into newlywed life — and this reconnection has sparked such beautiful conversations the last couple of months. I’m so grateful that we have that shared history where I don’t have to explain the details of my past, and I’m also grateful I didn’t stick my foot in my mouth by being mad we grew apart for a season. (Which, to be clear, I’ve actually done before…)

The Lesson For All Of Us

As you examine the explanations you give yourself about terminated relationships, remember this:

You might not choose your immediate emotions, but you do choose your narrative — the explanation you tell yourself about the experience.

It’s very important to your mental and emotional well-being and the potential for future friendships that your narrative is a positive one, whatever you choose to name it. When we rehearse negative narratives and explanations in our heads, we set up a pattern for how everyone in the future fits into our lives. If you’re “always hurt” by a friendship, boyfriend, or parent, then every important relationship in your future is on its way to hurt. And even then, it doesn’t help you to avoid hurt, it only sets up a pattern of dwelling on hurt in your life.

Examine Your Narratives

So, I challenge you to think back to friendships that fizzled out and any hurt that was experienced as a result. Then, reframe those relationships in your mind to think gratefully about them. Ask yourself, “What did I gain at the time, that I can be happy about now?” Out of a grateful mindset, you can begin to see hope for future friendships as well.

Priska Jordan is the founder and editor of The 30s Guide To Life. She’s been a faith & relationships blogger for 7 years, and she’s been learning about friendship for 31 years — ever since that fateful day her older brother (& friend for life) wrote a song for her on the day of her birth.

You can find her on Instagram @PriskaJordan.